Eli Connor... One Year and A Day

On little Eli Connor's one year anniversary of a very short life, I would like to make an entry on "The Blog." It's a chance for me to review the last year and thank all the people that have helped us.

For me there are parallels between little Connor's life and US Airways Flight 1594 that landed in the Hudson River on January 15th earlier this year. I love the following picture captured (I think) by a Coast Guard surveillance camera. For me it represents everything good that humanity has to offer. I love this picture because it represents what went right.


I'm sure the flight started out like any other, safety presentation by the flight crew (which is ignored for the most part) and take-off. You watch the runway fall away and the city shrink behind as you climb to altitude. And then in a moment everything changes, everything is different, no expected outcomes and no knowledge what the next few minutes, hours or days will hold. A traveler's worst nightmare materialized for everyone on that airplane.

A few lines from a poem taken from "A High Priest of Good Things to Come" about being adrift that resonates deeply with Jennifer and I.

It darkens. I have lost the ford.
There is a change on all things made.
The rocks have evil faces, Lord,
And I am [sore] afraid.

I distinctly remember the day we spent up at McKay Dee Hospital, in a high-level ultrasound to determine the baby's gender and verify that he was developing normally. We were chatting with the radiologist as she completed the usual ultrasound examination. We decided to capture the exam on DVD since it would give us a fun memento and keepsake.

After some time, I noticed that the radiologist was studying some organs that had previously been examined. I remarked that he appeared to have a hole in his heart. At that point, the radiologist confirmed my observation and voiced other concerns about his development. We spent the next 30 minutes being taken on a guided tour of our little boy's issues, coreoplexis cysts, no visible stomach, possible TEF, and then the realization that life would not be the same for us, he had no fore arms. I brushed the other "issues" off as being things that medicine could "fix", but I realized that medicine, as good as it is, couldn't give our little boy arms where there were none.

We have never watched the ultrasound video, I don't know if we ever will.

I remember the excitement Jen and I shared when we realized that we would be having another boy. We wanted another boy for many reasons, two of which were a friend for Hayden and a chance for the girls to be part of a newborn baby since they were too young to appreciate each others births. There was the anticipation of who's body he would have, who's eye color, who's hair line, what would his personality be like, would he reflect Jen's artistic traits or my analytical abilities. Our two girls are as different as night and day, yet they both drew from the same pool of genetic possibilities. Our oldest boy is a tiny jock.

I want to turn back to the US Airways flight that landed in the Husdon River. I read everything I could find about it on a daily basis for weeks. For some reason I was captivated by that event. The passenger's stories, people recounting their thoughts of being on board an aircraft that was going to crash. What they felt. What they did. What happened in the cockpit.

I remember reading one man's account of the ditching. He located the nearest emergency exit and made plans for getting out when the time came. He assessed the individual sitting next to the emergency door and was concerned about his ability to do the job. After the fact, he commented that the guy was "Johnny on the Spot." The exit-row passenger had the emergency door open and had thrown it out the hole before anyone even realized it.

Flight 1594 was a dichotomy of anomalies. It was the tragedy that was, but then again, it wasn't. On that flight, everything went wrong, but then again, everything went right. The captain was level-headed and calm, he assessed his options in seconds and made the right choice. The pilots put the plane down with minimal air-frame damage. For the most part, the passengers were calm, they got all the emergency exits open and everyone got out. Panic didn't cost any lives. The plane didn't sink. The flight crew did everything right. Local ferry boat captains were on the scene within minutes. The pilot checked the cabin twice and was the last man out.

The US Airways flight was a fracture in the ordinary events of life that allowed mankind a glimpse of how good people can be when we are kind, selfless, and brave. Everyone cooperated and many put the well being of others ahead of their own.

Little Eli's situation went from anticipation to a nightmare. A child with abnormalities, possible mental disabilities, and then not even a chance of being born alive. Everything went wrong. But then again, everything went right.

We have been the recipients of compassion and kindness, people willing to listen and people who cried. We have been trusted with others personal experiences that provide insight and perspective. There are many who care and those that have cautiously reached out to lift up our hands when they hang down.

We are thankful for a doctor and nurse that were willing to help Eli reach full-term so that he could be born alive.


We are grateful for the snow that fell the day he was born, and again on his first birthday.

I am grateful to the owner of a small flower shop in Salt Lake that spent Christmas Eve preparing beautiful flower arrangements for our house, so that Jen didn't have to come back to an empty home. The shop owner hunted all over Salt Lake to find enough flowers to put the arrangements together. She stayed four hours beyond her posted closing time.


I am grateful for Eli Connor's aunt that flew over from Europe at her own expense to be there with Jen when Eli was born.


There were the photographers from NILMDTS, Julie Williams and Miyo Strong that took many stunning photos of Eli's little body and tiny life.


Bret Barton who put together a beautiful pictorial essay of Eli's life.



Members of our local congregation that were inspired and dared to reach out. There were those that helped with food, money for his headstone, and families who watched the other kids while Jen and I were away.

Thanks to those that remembered him on his first birthday.



I will always remember...

• The balloons that we let go on the day of his funeral. It had been cold, frozen and overcast all day. The sun broke through the clouds on the drive to the cemetery and shone during his service. We watched the balloons go up above the clouds, so high that they were just tiny specks. We all stayed after and visited with friends and family, the warm sun made it pleasant to linger and talk.

• People that listened. Those that cried.

• Angel Watch and Rainbow Kids, who helped us plan and cope.

• Claudia Kalb that listened to our story and wrote about Jen and Eli in Newsweek.

• Friends that we met in Washington DC that taught Jennifer and I about grief and death. We met three families within a six month period that were dealing with these issues. All lost loved family members at inopportune times. They were all good examples of dealing with loss in a noble way. They are examples of "Endure It Well."

• We have may poignant memories frozen in time. I watched my daughter silently cry as she played the piano one afternoon. Full of emotion, tears ran down her cheeks and splashed on the keys. I watched as she wiped them away and struggled to play.

• The fear that Eli Connor's birth so close to Christmas might ruin the holiday season for our family forever after, followed by the realization that his birth, short life and death have instilled in our family a reverence for Christmas that did not exist before.

Thank You to all who have been a part of our lives in the last two years. We are grateful for your love and concern for our welfare.

Eli Connor's first birthday was good. We celebrated. Jen and I talked. We spent time with family. We released balloons. We ate a special dinner together as an immediate family. We laughed at Hayden.

The day was everything I had hoped it would be.

It was a chance to look back and remember how good people can be.

Thank You Everyone!

Merry Christmas.

Spencer

Happy Birthday Little Man!

A Balloon Release

Just wanted to let you know one of the things we'll be doing on Connor's birthday is to release one balloon for each minute he was with us.

86!

Spencer and I wanted to let you know that if you're in the area and you have nothing better to do on Tuesday afternoon, we'll be meeting at our home around 3:30ish to blow up the balloons (we expect this to take approx. 45 mintues) and once that is accomplished, we'll head over to his spot.

Please do not feel obligated to come, but know you're welcome. I don't want to make a gong-show out of this. We just want to quietly celebrate Connor's life and those sweet 86 minutes.

Changing Connor's Room

Spencer and I have been talking about taking down Connor's room and giving it to one of the girls. We thought about waiting until after his birthday to do it...but then because of schedules, we thought maybe we'd start tonight.

We brought it up with the kids. Hayden didn't understand what we were saying, but the girls did. Their responses surprised us.

As soon as we said it, they both cried out "No." Tears welled up in Sydney's eyes and she just looked down at the counter. Then her tears started streaming down her cheeks (and mine). "Could we leave it up for one more day?" she whispered.

The look in her eyes broke my heart and made me love her all the more...at the same instant. It was so tender to me that she didn't want to take his room down either.

I have come to love that little room of his. Anyone who has seen it knows it's nothing spectacular...in fact it's quite a plain room. But as you can see, it's become a very special place for me/us. If I didn't have other children, I'd probably leave it alone for many, many years.

Last fall my sister suggested it might be difficult to take down a room if we prepared one for him, and she is right. But creating a place that was all "his" for a year has helped pull him into our lives, especially because he isn't living with us right now.

His room has been a good thing for our family. I don't think we'll be making any change for a few days.

Celebrating...

I've been hunkering down lately. Closing off emotionally to the fact that it's almost been one year since we said hello and goodbye.

I'm not terribly excited for next week.

One feeling that emerged just after Connor died, and which totally caught me by surprise, was the feeling that my world had stopped. Quite literally. It seemed that I was frozen in time. But then I'd watch my neighbors drive off to work in the morning and in a funny way I'd think "How can your life go on, when mine has just stopped?" It hurt to see them move on with their lives. I even wondered, "Did my son's life affect you in any way?"

It really felt that way for at least a month. If I could have, I would have stopped time at that point. I didn't want to move. Sometimes I still don't.

To Abigail's mom...thank you for telling Julie what you did. Words like those you shared are what keep me sharing on this blog. Just this morning I wondered if I should quit this, but then I received Julie's message. So I'll keep sharing...hoping that others out there whose feelings are a tender as mine have a place to feel understood and not so alone.

Funny thoughts and feelings you have after such an event.



A Merry Christmas to you all!! I love our Christmas card this year...and dearly hope you "get" the double meaning!!



I'm sad but I'm celebrating!! Because someday I believe He will heal my broken heart.

- Jennifer

This Is The Coolest!!

Remember me mentioning in a previous blog about our going to the Festival of the Trees, and our wanting to go and see Gracie's tree? Gracie passed away in March after living almost one year with a heart that just did not form properly. Her parents decorated a beautiful Christmas tree in her honor and were donating the funds to Primary Children's Hospital and we wanted to go and see this bright pink and lime green beauty.

I had told my girls all about it and made the comment..."Wouldn't it be neat if all their neighbors got together and bought Gracie's Tree and then gave it back to her family?"

Well someone did just that!!

You can read about it HERE!

Mimi and Steve rock! I don't know them, but I am touched by what they did for Gracie's family.

Birthday Traditions

My family has the COOLEST birthday tradition. My mom came up with the idea somewhere and started it when we were little --- and you know it's a tradition that is being passed down!!

How it works...the day before our birthday, while we're not home, someone will make a birthday cake and hide it where the birthday person won't find it.

The next morning everyone will quietly get up and assemble in the kitchen to light the birthday candles and gather presents. Then the "quiet" trek to the bedroom of the birthday girl/boy. The birthday girl has been trying very hard to stay asleep, or at least pretend to really be asleep. But heh, how many of us can sleep when there's at least five people tiptoeing around the halls, whispering to the others to be quiet, the rustling of presents and then you can always see the light from the candles coming down the hall.

It's the BEST traditon! I remember all those years, so excited and anxious for everyone to come into my room and "wake" me up by singing Happy Birthday. It starts a special day off with a bang and makes us feel so special. It made me feel like my family was so glad I was born. After I'd blow out the candles and opened my presents, we'd all tromp down to the kitchen to have birthday cake for breakfast!! What other family in the world has cake for breakfast? Mine does!!!

We've continued this tradition in our family and even Spencer has become hooked on it.

Well, before Connor was born I came across the story of a little boy named Eliot, who like Connor, had Trisomy 18. Only Eliot lived 99 days. Each day he was alive his parents had a birthday party for him. Nothing elaborate for most days, sometimes it was only a cupcake with a sign saying how many days he had lived.

When I read this story I wanted to do the same for our son. I wanted him to live a few days. I wanted time with him...but we all know the outcome. We had planned on buying him a Mrs. Backer's cake for him, to have at the hospital on the day he was born to celebrate his birth.

What touched me was that my sister Lori had the same idea.

But Connor was born on a Monday...and anyone who know Mrs. Backer's...knows they are always closed on Mondays.

Dissappointment.

So, no cake on that day. My siblings offered to go and get one the next day, but I told them "No," as there was no point. Our son had passed away by then.

I arrived home on Christmas Eve. During the evening hours of Christmas Day my mother and father-in-law came to visit unexpectedly. My MIL walked in the door holding a box and I knew immediately what it held.

A Mrs. Backer's cake.

These are expensive cakes and don't ask me why they are so special to me. Somehow, somewhere they became so (maybe during my years at East High).

When I saw the cake I was stunned. I asked my MIL why she bought us one? It was not like her to buy such an expensive cake (she loves to make and decorate her own cakes) nor did she have any idea I had wanted to get one. I didn't even know she knew this particular bakery existed. A sweet conversation ensued in which I learned that Heavenly Father asked someone to do something to show me that He knew my feelings and wanted to show me He cared.

And it was just a dumb little cake.

I love the inscription she had written on the cake - "Celebrating the life of Eli Connor."

Several months ago as I was driving by Mrs. Backer's, I thought about our birthday tradition and started planning on what we'd do for Connor's upcoming birthday. In my mind I thought "We'll get a cake from Mrs. Backer's and we'll get up early and then go upstairs and sing..."

It never dawned on me until right then how heartbreaking it would be for me to sing Happy Birthday to an empty room and empty crib.

What to do for his birthday? It's been on my mind for months. I guess we're going to have to tweak our birthday tradition for our Littlest Clark.

I want to celebrate it and do it in a special way.

A Shadow

Today I'm feeling those sad feelings...the ones that act as a shadow and follow me around all day (and it's only 1:30 in the afternoon). It was there as I exercised. I sat there and listened to other women talk about their Christmas preparations. And it all seemed so trivial. I compared where I was right then (exercising) to where I was a year ago (round belly, happy to have a baby who was still alive, a little sad and unsure of what I knew was ahead of me). Upon listening to those ladies today I couldn't help but feel a sadness wash over me. Luckily for me the room was dark and I put my head down so no one would see a few tears squeeze out.

All those Christmas preparations seem so....

About two weeks before Connor was born we headed in to Temple Square with my siblings and their families to see the lights. My sister later made a comment to me about that night. She said something to the effect of..."It was so weird to see you walking around, carrying him when you knew he was going to die, and yet you were smiling and happy."

I guess I WAS happy...just happy that I could be his mom and that he was still alive!

In the past two weeks I have heard about three families who are expecting new babies. Two of them were very sensitive in the way they broke the news to me. They knew it would be hard...and they were right. But I want to thank K and T for being sensitive to our family by breaking the news gently. Your tenderness touches my heart.

I am sometimes jealous/envious of pregnant mothers...because I know that most of them will get to take their babies home with them. I actually got a tiny bit jealous of Octo-Mom...cause she got eight (but I don't envy her life one iota. I could not be a good mother to that many children).

But amist all my sadness I have to remind myself (AGAIN) that I have three living children! Duh!! Some of my friends lose their first child and have no child to come home to. No one to pull them out of their sadnesss.

I have Hayden's antics to keep up with. The latest...taping himself and his chair to the couch. Using a ball of string to wrap himself to the kitchen table. He climbed up and got my kitchen screwdriver off the fridge and took some screws out of a door hinge.

You ask where his mother was...I had turned my back for only a few minutes! Three different times.

Tonight's Christmas Activity...

was to make fudge. Using the best recipe I've come across:

3+ cups of marshmallows into your freezer (for at least 1 hour)

Chunk the following into a large bowl:
1 pkg of semi-sweet chocolate chips
3/4 cup butter
2 1/2 big bars of Hershey's chocolate (1 1/2 dark and 1 milk chocolate)

Mix the following in a big cooking pan:
1 can evaporated milk
4 cups sugar
2 1/2 cups marshmallows

Stir constantly over med - medium high heat and slow boil for 6 minutes (no longer)
Pour this hot mixture over the chunked stuff in the big bowl.

Stir, stir, stir until the mixture is smooth and shiney! Add frozen marshmallows (as many as you like), 2 cups chopped pecans and 1 tsp vanilla.

Ooops....I just realized I forgot to add the vanilla to ours. Oh well.

Pour into one jelly-roll pan and let it sit (sometimes I cheat and put it into the refrigerator to speed things up).

Keep in mind that I "fudge" on the pecan and frozen marshmallow amounts. I LOVE my fudge to have less chocolate and more chunk...so I dump in a lot.

Enjoy!!

All The Places To Love

While in college I became good friends (and study partners) with Kerri, who has a love for children's books. She had a collection of the best ones and she introduced me to one that I fell in love with- All the Places To Love. I remember buying our family a copy. We were so incredibly poor at the time, I still remember the cost. $15.00. Ouch! But I splurged and we still have it.

I came across it last night as I organized the kids book closet. And I called to the girls to sit down while I read it to them. So here we were, snuggled up together, amid the chaos of a half-cleaned toy and book closet, and read about a little boy named Eli.

When I read that book for the very first time I remember thinking "I love the name Eli. Maybe we'll name one of our kids that." But as years passed and the name became more popular, I dismissed the idea.

Until it was time to choose a name for our Littlest Clark. We knew that Connor was one of his names-that was a given. When we talked to the kids about the other name, it was UNANIMOUS!!! Spencer and the girls were insistent that it be Eli.

It wasn't until last night that I remembered my thoughts from college. Little did I know that thirteen years later I would have a little boy named Eli.

It's a neat book. It touched my heart all those years ago and it touched all of us as we read it again last night.

Remembering...all the places (and people) to love.

One of mine is a special little boy named Eli Connor.

Blabbing...

Yesteday a friend called and asked how I was doing. Tears immediately came to my eyes and I replied "I'm a mess!"

I haven't been writing too much on the blog about how I'm really doing. I guess I'm going into seclusion.

This past year I have felt feelings I never knew existed. To the ordinary person, these feelings would not make sense.

You think you know how'd you handle a certain situation...and when reality hits...you handle it entirely different that you thought you would.

I just printed off my personal journal (I type it now rather than write it by hand). I was holding it in my hand and Hayden saw it and asked, "Mom, is that a book?"

I had to smile, because yes, it's so thick, it looks like a book.

I'm grateful that I've had this writing outlet. It has been one of my saving graces this past year.

I know it's helped a few of you...and knowing that it has...feeds my soul.

I Love Lucy Project

I went to high school with Shawni and Saren Eyre (they didn't know me from Adam, but I knew who they were). Well Shawni is now a mother to five children and her youngest, Lucy, has been diagnosed with a very rare condition. You can read about it HERE.

They are hoping to raise money, to find a cure for some of the things that are looming in Lucy's future. They've written a book on mothering secrets, which I bought myself last year. I've loved it. Inspiring.

Maybe I should have read it a few hours ago before I lost it with one of my children (I hate it when that happens).

It's just my plug for a beautiful little girl before she loses her sight (and for mothers like me who need ALL the help they can get).

22 days till Christmas...

The Miracle on 34th Street - in black & white!

The girls loved it and Hayden fell asleep.

Our Christmas Chain

Years ago my sister passed along an idea she found in the magazine, Family Fun. The idea was to make a chain for each day, leading up to Christmas Day (like an advent calendar), and written on the inside of the chain was some sort of activity for the day.

Well we started it when the girls were little and it has been such a fun tradition. It takes a lot of planning on our part, but the excitement on their faces each morning is worth it. I love it because it's taught our girls patience (hoping it rubs off on Hayden) and it's helped us spread Christmas activities across the entire month, rather than trying to get everything in that last week.

So our countdown has begun...

25 days till Christmas...we made hot chocolate and sucked on candy canes while we read the story "Christmas Oranges." I cried while I read it and Elle and Sydney had to take over at one point. Hayden used his chubby, sticky little hands to wipe away my tears.



24 days till Christmas...we (tried) to decorate a gingerbread house. We'll have to finish it on another day as the frosting would not set up.

23 days till Christmas...we're headed to the Festival of the Trees. The kids don't know this yet, so I'll surprise them when they return from school. I'm excited to look for Gracie Gledhill's tree...pink and bright green...fitting for a little girl had she lived.

I'll try to post our activities this year, because some of them are just magical and you'll need to know of them in advance if you'd like to attend.

On this Saturday and Sunday evenings, at the Cathederal of the Madeline, the Salt Lake Children's Choir will be performing at 8:00 PM. They are INCREDIBLE!! We went last year, just weeks before Connor was born and it turned out to be one of those special evenings (go early to get seats if you'd like one).

So...this Christmas Chain tradition has been fun in the past and this year it's playing a different role for me. It's forcing me to bring in the fun of Christmas when all I want to do lately is hide in my hole and feel sorry for myself. So I'm hoping that by Christmas I will have felt some of the joy that this season has to offer.

If you have traditions that are great for kids, I'd love to hear them. We have a few chain links that are still empty (I tell the kids that these activities are "surprises!")

The First...

Christmas cards arrived today in the mail. YEAH!

It's exciting because last year we noticed a dramatic decrease in cards from friends. I attribute that decrease to the fact that WE didn't send any out (didn't feel in the mood), or it was because people were trying to be sensitive and probably didn't know if they should send us one or not.

This is just me, trying to figure out why people do what they do.

Last year, when we needed to feel our friends around us, some pulled away emotionally. And that hurt.

So seeing those two cards in the mailbox was SWEET! We love plastering our cupboards with your smiling faces.

So bring 'em on!

From my Journal last week...

It's late at night and I'm up editing photos, listening to the CD, Lilies of the Field. I've been thinking as I've been editing. So many (teary) emotions have been so close to the surface for me this past week. More so than usual.

I'm a little scared for this next month. I know that I'll want to relive last year. I know I'd go back in time if I could. I'd do it in a heartbeat, just to see Connor again and have everyone that I cherish in the same room with me.

Jump up to today:

Several people have asked if I've broken out the Christmas music yet.

Nope (well, one night I did), but I haven't wanted to listen to it like I have in years past. Somehow I think I'm afraid it will just make me cry and bring on the sadness.

A friend wondered if my kids have missed not hearing the Christmas music or noticed that we haven't been playing it and I told her I didn't think they had. But they will soon, if they haven't already. So I'll have to buck up and bring out the CD's. But it just isn't the same happy, light-hearted, festive season.

I love the meaning of this season and what it means for me and my family in the future...but I'm still tender and trying to protect myself...because, dang it, it hurts to lose my little man.

Thanksgiving

It has been a great day! We stayed home and cooked our Thanksgiving dinner with our girls. It was fun, not stressful and was probably the yummiest Thanksgiving dinner we've ever made!

A few tender moments and I'll share those another time.

There are two posts that I've been writing and re-writing in my mind for MONTHS. I wanted to share one today...as it was very fitting. But it would mean time away from my family.

So, it will have to wait a few days.

But...one thing I am grateful for is that seventeen years ago, on Thanksgiving night, a tall, brown-haired, brown-eyed young man called me and asked "Would you like to go to a movie with me?"

I had been hoping he'd call (I had sensed that there was something different in my relationship with him than with other guys I was dating at the time)!!

It was the start of a good thing and he quickly became the best friend I've ever had in this world. Another thing I am very grateful for.

Give Thanks

As hard as I try to remember the blessings I have, I sometimes fall back into the feeling of being sad for what I don't have (right now).

And I need reminders. I had one a few days ago and had another one as I watched this.

It left me with a little smile on my face!

12 months

I went looking for Christmas pajamas tonight. Hoping they were on sale. They weren't.

I glanced at a rack of boys fleece pajamas and the first size my eyes fell upon was the small "12 mon" label on the top of the hanger. I couldn't help myself, and reached out and pulled it out. Soft, fuzzy and light blue. I held it up, to see how big he would have been.

Then I tried not to cry there in front of the Carter's pajamas display at Target.

It hits at funny times, when I'm not even thinking about him.

The last time we dressed him, I made sure we had warm, white socks for his little feet. I didn't want him to be cold. Dumb, huh? But it's that motherly instinct thing that kicked in I guess.

For a small fleeting moment tonight, I had this funny thought go through my mind. "Should I buy the pajamas?" Disgusted at myself for even thinking the thought, I then thought, "What would I do with them?" After a few moments I replaced the pajamas and walked away and tried to look like I hadn't been crying.

I'm In Trouble!

Today I have realized that one boy is keeping me hopping!

While helping the girls with their homework, Hayden grabbed my kitchen screwdriver and wanted to use it. I thought he wouldn't do too much harm, but within TWO minutes he had the lock and doorhandles off the door - unscrewed and ready to fall!

While Elle and I figured out how to fix that, he went over and got my kitchen scissors and started cutting up a bid from a contractor. "Hayden, what are you doing?"

"My scissors are hungry."

OHHHHH....the comments we get from him. We are in trouble.

When he woke up from his nap today he looked out Connor's window to look at his snowman...which had begun to melt.

"He's not my friend anymore because he's melting. We need to go and make a new one!"

My kids make me smile (well, most of the time). I do have good kids.

I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have had two little boys playing together. Times like today make me think I can only handle one, but at times I'm still wistful for two.

Anyone need Hayden to come over and "fix" anything?

----

Hayden's newest comment that made me chuckle...

After drinking some orange juice he looked over at me and asked me "Mom, did you hear it go down the drain?"...meaning his throat.

Where do kids come up with these things?

A View From Connor's Window

My brother Konnor has a blog and they have a recurring entry titled "The View From Your Window." They have family send in photos from all over the world and it's quite fun for me to see "the view."

Well this afternoon I wasn't being such a nice mom, so I sent myself to Time Out and promplty fell asleep. When I woke up I noticed Connor's bed was a mess from Hayden's nap so I stopped to tidy it up and happened to glance out the window to see this!!




The view from Connor's window made me smile - it reminded me that I want to be an even better Mom - and was another reminder of what great children we've been given.

So, what are the views from your windows?

Etiquette

Etiquette says I have one year in which to write thank you cards, or maybe it's much sooner for those who are "on the ball" and one year for "slackers."

I knew from the beginning that I would be taking the entire year - and maybe even longer - to begin writing thank you notes to each of you who have done something or touched our lives during this experience.

Tonight, I sat down to start addressing the envelopes and as I ran over the list of all the things people have done for our family, I was reminded of all the sweet things that were done.

I kept a detailed list, because I knew I would forget the details. And I did. Many little things were done. Sweet gestures. And they all add up to make a difference.

Just wanted to say thank you.

A Snippit Into My Day...

Photography is an outlet for me and I love it. It challenges me...in a big way.

Sometimes I compare my skills to others and I wonder if I should quit. But then I capture moments like these and it drives me to keep learning.

Grateful I have it to help pull me out of my funk.

The Mourning Timeline

I'm running around this morning, trying to tidy up, and as I did so I started thinking about something that I've thought about many times in the past eleven months...

Two weeks before we found out about Connor's T18 diagnosis, Spencer overheard someone say, "If people really understood the Gospel of Jesus Christ they would not have such a hard time when someone died."

Hmmm...???

Spencer immediately looked over at our friend, who has lost two children, to see his reaction. Spencer and I both admire this man and his wife and he was interested to see if he would say anything. He quietly looked down. I wonder if he was trying to decide if this was a situation in which he wanted to say something or if his feelings and experiences were too private.

After a few minutes Spencer spoke up and pointed out to the group that Christ, who sees and understands the "big picture" better than any of us, went away from people to mourn his friend and cousin, John the Baptist, after he was killed.

Christ, who knows more than we know, mourned the loss of a dear friend.

And I'm grateful he did, because it gives me comfort as I take my time to be sad.

I've noticed that those who have lost someone give me all the comfort and time I need while those who have not somehow expect (or want) my mourning time to be over soon, and I wonder if they are secretly hoping I will soon put a little check in the box titled "Mourning Completed."

I know my son was meant to come to our family and I know he was not supposed to stay here. I know these two things. But it still hurts that he's not here. And seeing all those babies EVERYWHERE I went yesterday was a knife through my heart. Fat little chubby babies who I wished were Connor.

It was hard.

And as hard as it was for me, I kept thinking about those who are not able to have children. It must be even harder for them. I don't understand their pain, but I feel for them. And I even cry for them.

I Have A Pet Peeve:

I hate that radio stations start playing Christmas music right after Halloween.

I wish they'd lay off until the day after Thanksgiving! Otherwise, It's just hard to feel like you've done a good job being thankful and grateful when you're listening to songs about presents and making lists of things you want.

Last year at this time I had to turn off the radio a lot as I ran to and from all our Dr.'s appointmemnts, cause it bugged me then and today I was reminded again how much it bugs me.

I guess I won't be listening to the radio much this month because I want to feel gratitude in my heart - to my Heavenly Father for all the sweet gifts He's given me.

I can't help but think of that song I used to sing all the time when I was little:

- from Johnny Appleseed -

Oh, the Lord's been good to me.
And so I thank the Lord
For giving me the things I need...
The sun, the rain and the appleseed;
Oh, He's been good to me.

The "Big" Picture

It's hard not to get melancholy at times. Like tonight.

I jumped on Pottery Barn's website to show my mom some of their color schemes and paint swatches for her living room. It's been FOREVER since I've been on that site, so afterwards I started looking around.

Cute stuff.

But then I went to the Christmas section and I saw a few tree ornaments that made me kind of sad. The little choo-choo train, the little red airplane and the picture frame ornaments.

Somehow they remind me of what little boys are all about...noise, machines, things that go.

I think a new tradition we'll start is buying an ornament each year for Connor, at least for a few years. It will just continue something that was started by a friend last year. Spencer brought me home on Christmas Eve and there was a small box waiting for me - from a friend in our neighborhood. I don't remember the exact words, but it was a small tree ornament, engraved with a saying that said something to the effect of..."I can't be with you...I'm with Jesus this year."

I just mutilated the saying - it sounded MUCH better than how I just wrote it.

So last Christmas Eve I hung it on our tree and this year we'll add another ornament just for him, though he'll never be around to see it.

And someday I'll get those picture frame stocking holders - one for each member of our family.

But you know...it's only stuff. The ornament really doesn't matter. Nor do the stocking holders.

Connor's short life has helped me remember that it's only "stuff" and it has no meaning in the "big picture." His life is a constant reminder of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. And the importance and value of each family member. His life has made me start to realize just how much I love my husband, each of my children, my parents and my brother and my sisters. I love them.

Earlier this evening was a good for me - as we snuggled up together as a family and watched a movie together that made us laugh - and of course we had to rewind the funny parts so we could laugh again!

This is what it's all about.

A sweet evening which followed yesterday's "sucker" day (I'll write about that another time).

Family Tree

Many months ago, or maybe it was last year, I saw a Family Tree on a blog. And I loved it!



I just found out that Spencer's cousin, Cindy, is the one who designs and sells these family trees. I had no idea she is the one making these. Click here to see more of her designs.

It's neat to see these because Cindy was the first person we talked with after we found out about Connor. She knew from first-hand experience what we were about to go through. She and her husband were one of those families we met while living in D.C. who have prepared us for Connor.

I'm going to make one for our family - as another way to pull him into our family. Another way of remembering.

I think of those mothers who lived 100 years ago. If our son had been born then, with the visible disabilities that he had, how would the baby and mother have been treated? Would she have had to bear her child's birth and death in emotional isolation? Would the child be included in their family tree, or would his existence never be mentioned?

I am blessed to go through this during a time when people will talk and acknowledge. Not everyone perhaps...but many do and I am grateful for you.

The emails have been touching.

So...go make a family tree and give it as a Christmas gift...as a reminder to each of us that our families are where we'll experience true joy and pure love.

I know this is true because I have felt it.

I've felt heartache and frustration from family members too...but when Connor was born, I felt something like I had never experienced before.

And it makes me want to feel it again and again.

Or as Sydney would say, "A lot and a lot and a lot."

Touched by a friend...

Last night a neighbor stopped by to drop a gift off for one of our daughters. We stood in the entry way and talked and she did something that touched me...she brought up the subject of Connor. She said to me "I think about you all the time...I remember him...I read your blog all the time...I remember the day he was born." And I knew that she remembered, because she rattled off his birthday. And as we talked, I saw her eyes fill with tears and mine did too. It was so nice to see someone else cry for me and for the loss of our son.

I noticed something yesterday. People were talking about a person we know who has just undergone surgery for a life-threatening condition (whose surgery we hope will be entirely successful and that she will recover). But what I noticed is how so many people spoke openly about her and the situation. As I listened, it occurred to me that these same people did not talk openly about my son. In fact, he was hardly mentioned in public.

Was it because my son was an infant and they had not developed a relationship with him? Or was it because it involved death and no one knew what to say...so they said nothing?

No one likes to talk about those that have died.

I know.

To my friend who came by last night...thank you for bringing up the subject of my son on your own. It was healing for me to see you cry for me and to be allowed to cry.
Thanks for remembering my son and the day he was born.

---

Several weeks ago I talked with a different friend who has lost a child and she recounted to me that the previous week had been especially difficult. It was the week of her son's birthday and she knew exactly how old he would have been.

26!

I felt so sad that I didn't know it was his birthday. I so wished I had known, or had been in such a place that I would have been prompted to go see her. I know that others have remembered me/us/Connor and done things that have brought a certain measure of comfort and I wished I could have done that for her.

I'm sorry I didn't know. Or hadn't asked.

Now I know his birthday and I hope I will remember it next year!

I love these thoughts...quoted by another mother.

How do I keep Connor part of our family when he's not here?

How do I let go and still hold him tight?

Today...

I went to Lily's funeral and it was tender. I saw my dear friend Carolyn from Angel Watch and we talked (and I cried of course).

Then I rushed home to take my older children to the school Halloween Carnival. Sometimes these types of activities seem so trivial after losing a child, but my children who are living need these. I keep reminding myself of this.

And tonight is a night when I just want to run away from reality, dress in warm, fuzzy sweats and hide in my bed and cry all my sadness away.

But Hayden would come and find me. Or Sydney would need me to help her with her homework, or Elle would need help with her Halloween costume. So...I won't even bother hiding tonight.

Missing my littlest Clark, aching for Lily's parents, and another mother who recently lost her little one.

Five or Six ?

"How many people are in your family?"

Six.

"How many plates do we need on the table?"

Five.

"How many people in your party?"

Five.

"How many movie tickets would you like?"

Five.



This number thing still trips me up. I find that I'm always a little flustered when people ask me how many we need. We only have five family members present but it seems wrong just to say "five." When I go to set the table for dinner I have to stop and think, "Now how many are there of us?"

Last night as Sydney set the table she said to me, "If Connor would had lived, we would need six plates!"

I love it when my kids remember their little brother. I love that they will bring him up in conversations. On their own. Sweet to my ears and tender to my heart.

Sixteen Hours

Spencer and I checked our email first thing this morning - for updates on Little Miss L. We found out that she passed away early this morning.

I sat and stared at the email - a jumble of thoughts and emotions going through me all at once. Thrilled that she made it through the night and lived for sixteen hours, truely excited that her parents "got her" for so long, imagining their sadness that is just beginning and... jealous that I only got 90 mintues with my son.

I heard a noise next to me and looked to see Spencer with tears in his eyes. He was thrilled that they all had time together.

As we talked and I shared my feelings, he reminded me that I was looking at the glass "half-empty" rather than "half full."

It's hard not to at times. But he's right. We had prayed for time with our son and we got it. Lily's parents are probably feeling that sixteen hours wasn't nearly long enough. Some parents don't get any time and some struggle to have children.

---

I have sensed that some are anxious for me to move on and finish mourning. It doesn't work that way. Connor's pregnancy, short life and death have been a defining moment in my life. I have a hole in my heart that won't be healed for a long time. It's a silent sorrow I will carry.

I read something this morning that I love. It's another mom's feelings after she lost her mother and her son:

...Instead I continued to go through the motions of my daily life and did such a good job of looking "together" that after both losses many people commented on how "healthy" I was and how well I seemed to be handling everything. I hated that I was not allowed the space to fall apart, that I was instead rewarded for pretending to not be as utterly destroyed as I was. - mama jen from "glow in the woods"

It's me again. No one has commented to me about how "healthy" I have been handling this, and that's okay. I don't want to pretend. I want to be real. So, I am handling this in the way that seems most "healthy" for me. I'm not rushing it, I am feelings all these feelings and I find myself slowly bouncing back. I'll never "bounce back" all the way, but I'm on my way.

Talking to Lily's parents before she was born was so good for us. I loved our time with them and noticed how much love they have for one another and for their little girl.

We're grateful to Him that allowed Lily to live for a sweet sixteen hours.

More from Hayden...

It's been busy today. So off to Wendy's drive-through.

A minute after placing our bag of food in the car, Hayden commented...

"It smells like dog."

Elle and I heard that and looked at each other. "Did he say what we thought he said?"

Yep! Then we burst out laughing.

Hmmm...not sure when we'll eat there again.

-

The BEST news of the day is that our new friend Miss L was born. Alive!! I am thrilled for her parents and for her.

I drove by the hospital today, the one where Connor was born. I pointed it out to Hayden and said "Look, there's the hospital where Connor was born."

Then I heard "Let's go see him again, mommy! Pwease? Pwease?

pause...

"Let's go see him again. Pwease mommy?"

He said all of this in his nicest voice, the one that he has learned to use that generally produces the desired object/result.

It made me sad to know I couldn't produce the desired result.

But, someday...!!

And I'm excited for that day.

Good Attitude....

A few days ago I was having a really good day. I was feeling upbeat and positive. I remember thinking, "I can do this. I can be one of those people who have been handed a difficult situation, and keep smiling, and keep plugging away."

What a difference a few hours can make.

A situation arose and I found myself becoming very sad for my loss.

Ha. I few hours before I had been so determined that I could handle this hard situation better than I handled the last one.

It's now been a few days since then and I'm better, plugging away with all the busy things of life.

My husband wisked me away to a beautiful place last week. Thanks to our parents for watching over our children while we were gone. They said they had a great time and I know we did.

This is a place I'll want to visit again and again.

Connor's Pumpkin

Last fall we took the kids to the cemetery. It was to prep them (and ourselves) and when we arrived, we found that many of the families had decorated their baby's headstones with miniature pumpkins.

I thought that was the coolest.

We decided then that we would do the same.

So last night we carved Connor's first pumpkin and took it to his spot.




I love watching my husband and kids take part in it. To see them want to carve a happy pumpkin face and take it to his spot was another sweet moment.

The Candy Thermometer

I was helping Sydney with her homework just a few mintues ago and while I helped her, Hayden amused himself with going through the kitchen drawers.

"What's this, Mom?" he asked while holding up a candy thermometer.

I tried to explain and in doing so it took me back in time to last December. We didn't make Christmas candy last year because I just didn't have it in me. But maybe this year I will.

But the thoughts of last year brought tears to my eyes and my voice cracked with emotion as I helped Sydney. Sometimes like tonight I think "I really have to live with these sad feelings the rest of my life?"

Sometimes it is so surreal that Connor was born and then passed away.

One sad moment. But the rest of the day has been good.

Tonight...

I came home from a photoshoot to a spotless kitchen and this...



A sweet ending to a good, but tender day.

Thanks Mom and Elle.

My Grandpa...

This past week has been a good one...because I got to see family!

My grandpa passed away after living for 97 years and he was ready to go. He has been missing my grandma, who passed away 8 years ago and I found that I was actually excited for his funeral. I wanted to see my cousins, aunts and uncles who I have not seen in probably 10-15 years. It was so good to see them again and show my children where my grandparents lived and tell them the crazy stories about my grandpa!

I also have been able to spend time with all of my siblings as a result of the funeral, and it has been wonderful. My older sister, who lives in Belgium, flew home for grandpa's funeral and we have had such a nice time! We spent a few days in Brian Head, relaxing and enjoying each other and the beautiful fall leaves. Aspens in the fall, mixed with pine trees is a stunning picture.




Then one evening this week we got together and tried to make our own photos of all of us kids. HA! Let's just say we had a fun evening and have some funny photos.



And it all happened because my grandpa died.

Several years ago he said something to Spencer and me...and it stuck. He said, refering to my grandma, "I hope she'll have me again."

I loved his thought. Makes me wonder how I am as a marriage partner? I hope that Spencer would "have me again." I hope my kids will feel the same way.

Connor's Room

I know I've written about Connor's room several times, but I'm still amazed at what a special place it's become for us.

A few nights ago when I could not fall back asleep, I had the thought to go into his room. I felt like a little kid again, because I layed on his floor, holding his teddy bear and wrapped myself in his blanket...and promptly fell asleep (until my achy hip woke me up).

Then this morning...it was overcast and rainy and dark. I had the thought to turn on the big light which hangs directly over his bed, but I dismissed the thought and moved on to other things. A few minutes later I found Spencer turning on that same light just before he left for work. Spencer just smiled at me and said something that let me know he still remembers, cares, and misses our son.

That was a sweet moment for me.

Connor's Spot at the cemetery hasn't become a place of refuge for us. But I've wondered if it will after we take down his room. We'll see. But for the time being, I am soaking in his room. I love to see the clothes that he wore, the blankets which were lovingly made or purchased for him, the dried flowers, the books, his hand and feet molds, the chimes and all the other things which remind me of him.

I am so glad we made this room. I really wondered if making a room - for a baby who probably would not come home - was a wise thing. But I'm glad I followed my gut feeling and made it.

I love it!

This past week...

You may have noticed that we took this blog private for a little while - but that it's been open again open to the public for the past few weeks.

I realized on Thursday why it needs to be public.

This past week we heard of three families who have just received a Trisomy diagnosis for their unborn child. Three. In one week.

I heard about the last one as I was driving to my grandfathers funeral. And after I hung up the cell phone I drove down the freeway, crying for my son, myself and those families who are just starting their journey - on a roller-coaster ride they never wanted to ride.

On the way home today I drove home in my car and talked with my husband over the phone and cried some more as we talked about these families.

This blog needs to be open to all those who are searching for information and support.

Both Spencer and I truely hope that some of what we've experienced will help make your journey a little easier.

Monday morning addition:

I was up in the middle of the night again and I kept thinking about our search for information after we received Connor's diagnosis. Our original doctor was of no help. He was kind, but he was no teacher.

His first comment to us after the diagnosis was, "Well, we know what the problem is." And that was it. No compassionate "I'm sorry." Nothing. No more information given about groups like Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep or Angel Watch or Rainbow Kids. Maybe he wasn't aware of them at all?

We have learned that some doctors are teachers while others would rather their patients jump on the "conveyor belt" and not ask questions.

After several uninformative visits with our original doctor, we started searching for one which fit us. And we found one. He took time to teach us - to spell out all the options and gave us time to make an informed decision. All the information he and others gave us helped us make our decisions. And we have few regrets with the decisions we made.

On another day I will share a few thoughts about my grandpa and this weekend.

Connor's Headstone

This is my journal entry from a few nights ago:

Tonight we went and purchased the granite for Connor's headstone.

It's in China.

So it will be months before this small chunk of rock will be shipped over to our little corner of the earth. That means it probably won't be in place by his first birthday (unless a few miracles occur).

I will have to be okay with that.

Afterwards we drove over to the Salt Lake Cemetary to check out another headstone and I marveled at the beauty. The cemetary is up on a hill, overlooking the Salt Lake Valley. There were storm clouds overhead, with light rain falling, yet the sun was shining from the west, so that you could see the rain fall through the sunshine and it was beautiful to me. Spencer and I stopped and just watched, it was so pretty.

I never ever would have conceived the idea of having a tender moment with my husband - barefoot, with rain falling on us, the sun shining, watching a rainbow...in a cemetary.

But I loved it. And the rainbow reminded me of several things - one of them being the other rainbow experiences we've had starting since we were engaged.

Oh, I so wish I had had my camera with me. I wanted to take a picture to remember tonight. I actually felt beauty around me and it was nice to feel it again. When someone you truely love dies, you don't care about those types of things for awhile...but I have been told that I'll slowly start to feel again and to see beauty.

I guess tonight was one of those moments for me.

In a cemetary of all places!!

Circus Cookies

I have one friend who knows I have a weakness for Mother's Circus Cookies. Okay, they aren't good for you, but I've loved them since I was little and I think I'll always have a fondness for them.



Tonight I came home to a big bag of them on my front porch.

Needless to say, we were ALL thrilled!

Immediately I knew who had brought them...and to you my friend..thank you for being my friend, for listening to me, and for bringing me my favorite cookies to cheer me up.

Missing Virginia

Last night I was making a collage of old photos from our days in Virginia...and it made me miss living there even more!



I love that place. I love and miss my friends who we met during our time there. I miss picking pounds and pounds of blueberries, enough to last an entire year. I miss driving the Blue Ridge Parkway. I miss hearing the cow "moo" in the morning. I miss hearing all the birds out our bedroom window. I miss the GREEN that Virginia is so famous for. I miss the southern accent. I miss hanging out with all the moms while we watched our kids play softball or soccer. I miss walking that mile to church each Sunday and having that special time to talk and laugh with our kids. I miss the beautiful dogwood blossoms which would bloom outside our window. I miss being in a total downpour (never saw rain come down so hard as I did there). I miss waking up to a misty morning and go running in it. I miss driving through Catawba Valley. I miss our drives to Mabry's Mill. I miss driving on narrow, windy roads through the back country.

Sweet memories!

And gorgeous countryside!

And the best of friendships were made.

Grief Group

Life goes on, the "sad days" rarely happen and are replaced by "sad moments." But then "It" hits like it did last night and I felt like I felt in January and February. Last night I just cried like I haven't in a long time. A deep sadness.

I hate it when this hits this hard. It's funny- I'm moving along and for whatever reason the emotions hit and all my poor husband can do is hold me and wipe away my tears.

I'm grateful for his tenderness.

Confession Time...

We've been going to a "Grief Group."

During the summer months our family attended a Grief Group each Wednesday night, sponsored by Primary Children's Hospital. I actually found that those nights were the highlight of my entire week!! It was so good for all of us.

In early June I called up to Rainbow Kids to talk with them about another matter and she mentioned they were holding this group. She invited us to bring our kids and to come. I was hesitant to go, as I thought we were doing pretty well in our grieving process and who wants to admit going to a support group? But I talked with Spencer and we decided, "What the heck, let's try it one time and see."

We never missed a night, it was that good!!

They have a meeting for kids and one for the parents and it was fun!

I must say I hate the name "Grief Group", as it sounds so dramatic, but the meetings were anything but. They were beneficial to us all. I would actually keep track of how many more days until it was time to go...and then each evening passed by much too quickly.

It was fun. We laughed together. And cried. And hurt for others. And felt true empathy for their pain. We bonded and missed someone when they could not make it on a particular night. It was a true group experience.

I loved how I could share anything I felt, without having to censure my wording. I love that feeling of just being able to let it all out (that's one of the many reasons I love the relationship I have with my husband). No mincing of words. And it was okay and others felt able to do the same.

I quote another mother's description of Grief Group:

I have never been to such a group and wondered if we were to stand and “say my name is...” I wondered if there would be tormented crying and I wouldn’t be able to identify with the others in the room. Instead I felt normal among them, I felt that we all understood each other, yet are wise enough to know from our experience that we truly don’t understand exactly how they feel. Grief is so individual, each of us approaches it differently… I, with humor, and prolific journal writing. Nathan is glad for work to go and get in the zone. We all looked normal, no tear soaked faces, no defeated body language…I felt like them, pleased that I was not abnormal in my grief. We all want life to go on, and also resent that it has."
- Leta

I especially loved the last line of what Leta wrote: We all want life to go on, and also resent that it has.

Grief Group was fun. How can a grief group be fun? It was for us - I met some neat people who I will always remember and look forward to seeing them again soon. And Orley and Janet- thank you for being there!!

Here are my newest friends whose time together was one of the highlights of my summer.



I know a few of you who read this journal have recently lost children. If you are interested in the Grief Group, a new group will start at Primary Children's Hospital in early October. So call them if you're interested.

- Jennifer

Busy...

The girls are back in school and I naively thought things would slow down a little.

Not so...it's actually gotten busier.

But even with all the busy-ness - I've felt a sadness and meloncholy for the past few days.

I'm getting a little worried about the upcoming holidays and his birthday. I'm afraid of what I'll feel and concerned that I'll focus more on the fact that he isn't here rather than celebrate the fact that he lived for a little while.

This Summer...

For the past several weeks I've been creating a blog entry titled "Last Summer." I started it so long ago... But that's only if you want to see what we did to keep our minds busy.

Beware...there are tons of photos.

Last Summer...

was the summer that "Wasn't." I was so nauseous and tired during the first six or seven months of Connor's pregnancy that I didn't do a lot of "summer things" with the kids. Not a fun summer for them.

So this summer has been the summer that we have played hard and it will go down in history as the summer that "We went and did!!" It's been a good summer and we've almost played too hard. Many nights I'll drag home three children who are dead dog tired and drag them out of bed the next morning for the next round of activities.

I've wanted to record this summer by taking pictures of everything we've done. My poor kids probably feel like I'm the papparazzi, following them around and snapping pictures of whatever they've been doing.

So here are schmoodles of photos from our summer...all mixed up:

We started the summer out with swimming lessons for each of the kids and as you can see, Hayden is walking OUT of the photo. He wanted nothing to do with lessons (even though he demonstrated all the required elements to me the next day). Another year I guess...




We had a great family reunion down in the Arches National Park/LaSal Mountains and it was beautiful! We made some family photos in Arches at Sand Dune Arch and I love what we came home with. What a fun place to make photos!






Hayden was in boy heaven with older cousins, fishing poles, flashlights, binoculars and of couse, fire! I had no idea the LaSal National Forest was so pretty. Never been there before but we want to go again. I love aspen trees and there I saw the largest, healthiest ones I've ever laid eyes on. We ate great food from Dutch Ovens, Elle captured a snake and we have great memories of driving over miles of washboard.

We camped in what has to be the prettiest campground I've every stayed in. This was the view from our tent! You can't really see it in the picture, but Warner Lake was right there in front. Wildflowers everywhere and we even had a few deer run through the campground.











We went with some friends to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House. I'll never forget seeing Hayden use his water bottle as a gun. That boy can turn anything into a "shooter." UGH! He can also make me laugh.



A friend took us "Frog Fishing" for the first time. My kids and their friends LOVED it. Spencer saw the photos later and thought we were morbid.




Tennis lessons for the first time!



Oh, the 4th of July!

Our city has the BEST parade. I hate parades, but I love this one. They have a "dry" parade which travels down Main Street first (the normal parade) which is followed by the "wet" parade. It's pretty much a contest between people on the sidewalks vs those who drive down the parade route. It seems that any vehicle which will hold water is used for this "wet" parade and you see some great creativity! Anything that can hold or squirt water.

It is so fun to watch. Notice the man in the firetruck (a few photos down)? I was laughing at him because his window was broken and he was trying to drive with one hand and hold up the broken window with his other hand. He was getting sprayed with some serious water from the trucks parked alongside the parade route.





So excited to catch a prize from the "dry" parade.



Hayden and his cute cousin B!



We went with some old and dear friends to the Manti Pageant and had a fabulous time!!





Summer isn't summer unless you tie-dye a shirt!




Each time we visit Aunt Shelly's home the kids are drawn to her swing. I laugh at Elle because she looks like a straight board (and no, the huge rock which sits just below her head does not bother me. No, I am not afraid someone will fall off and bash their head). Note the sarcasm.

But the kids love this swing.



Lots of hikes this summer. This one was up Little Cottonwood Canyon. I didn't realize there are remnants of an old mill up there, nestled along the river. It was neat to see and just so fun to get up in the mountains again - and to hang out with my sister Shelly.





Then my cousin Laura and her husband came into town and we headed for one of my favorite hikes - Cecret Lake up in the Albion Basin (Alta Ski Resort). If you time it right each summer, you can hike it when the salamanders are out. And our kids always have to catch at least one!

If you get the chance, layer yourselves with bug repellant, bring water and a few snacks and start the climb. It's cool in the evenings, the wildflowers are everywhere and we've always gotten to see moose. This year they were right off the path!

It was just a fun evening spent with their family and we topped it off with Iceberg's HUGE shakes. You seriously can feed one family off one shake. Belive me!

Then our kids were later thrilled to go the Lagoon with their family. Laura & Ray - thanks for inviting them!!







We met up with two dear friends of ours we met while living in D.C. - I could post pictures Bethany and Kristen - but I didn't think you'd want me too (big grin). So here are the girls playing in the pool. Notice the gleam in Sydney's eyes as she aims her noodle at my camera?




This feat deserves the "Good Dad Award." Oh, it hurts just to imagine him carrying both kids back from Bloomington Lake. What a pretty place. Someday we'll hit the rope swing.





We then spent several days at Bear Lake with some great friends. It was such relaxing weekend - spent boating and hanging out in the sun and watching the kids play their little hearts out. And the food - Oh so good!! There's nothing like Mexican food cooked in a Dutch Oven!! These are some of my favorite shots of the kids playing.







We stopped off for a little while at Tony Grove and it brought back many memories of when Spencer I would go camping here while in our undergrad program. I love this shot of the girls.



One of our last hurrahs this summer was our trip to Yellowstone. When we were first married Spencer would try to get me to go up there more often, but I'd had enough of mud pots and gysers. They just didn't blow my skirt up. But now we know THE places to go!! Oh, and what fun they are.

Two places that the Park Rangers don't advertise much are Boiling River and The Firehole River. At each place hot (or lukewarm) water mixes in with a river, which makes for great swimming or sitting in a hot tub.

Oh, these two activities were some of the best of our trip!! I wanted to do them again and again.

We timed it just right so that Elle and I got to attend a photography class offered by Canon and we got lucky enough to see a baby bear right out our car window and got a great shot of him eating berries. We later saw a grizzly bear - but he was so far away he just looked like a brown spot.

One evening we were spoiled and got to listen to a group play music in the Lake Yellowstone Hotel. Romantic and relaxing!

And we finally did something we've wanted to do for years - we rented a boat and went out on Lake Yellowstone and had a ball.

Anyone who has visited Yellowstone knows that you spend a lot of time driving around (following huge, slow-moving campers). But this year didn't seem so bad. I have fond memories of Spencer sitting in the back seat with the girls, helping the girls with filling out their Jr. Ranger papers. They worked hard for their badge!


It was a great finale to our busy and fun summer.



















This was the goal at Firehole River!! You had to swim across a river that had a decent current and I love this shot of Spencer trying to help the girls swim upstream so they could reach the cave.





Spencer came up with the idea of having an award ceremony for the kids. They had done an especially great job of helping us prepare for one of our trips and cleaning up afterwards. So here they are, perched with happy faces with their "awards" hanging around their necks...which were promptly devoured after posing for their mom.