I'm running around this morning, trying to tidy up, and as I did so I started thinking about something that I've thought about many times in the past eleven months...
Two weeks before we found out about Connor's T18 diagnosis, Spencer overheard someone say, "If people really understood the Gospel of Jesus Christ they would not have such a hard time when someone died."
Hmmm...???
Spencer immediately looked over at our friend, who has lost two children, to see his reaction. Spencer and I both admire this man and his wife and he was interested to see if he would say anything. He quietly looked down. I wonder if he was trying to decide if this was a situation in which he wanted to say something or if his feelings and experiences were too private.
After a few minutes Spencer spoke up and pointed out to the group that Christ, who sees and understands the "big picture" better than any of us, went away from people to mourn his friend and cousin, John the Baptist, after he was killed.
Christ, who knows more than we know, mourned the loss of a dear friend.
And I'm grateful he did, because it gives me comfort as I take my time to be sad.
I've noticed that those who have lost someone give me all the comfort and time I need while those who have not somehow expect (or want) my mourning time to be over soon, and I wonder if they are secretly hoping I will soon put a little check in the box titled "Mourning Completed."
I know my son was meant to come to our family and I know he was not supposed to stay here. I know these two things. But it still hurts that he's not here. And seeing all those babies EVERYWHERE I went yesterday was a knife through my heart. Fat little chubby babies who I wished were Connor.
It was hard.
And as hard as it was for me, I kept thinking about those who are not able to have children. It must be even harder for them. I don't understand their pain, but I feel for them. And I even cry for them.
3 comments:
It is interesting how we are all given our specific trials and some are harder than others. Not quite sure why. I do know that the Lord will never give us something we can't handle, I have learned that. Just when I was at a breaking point I was given a "tender" mercy.
I know our trials are so very different but I do relate to you on some, small level. Just yesterday I was at my OB's and of course saw a zillion prego ladies. My heart hurts when I see that because I won't have the opportunity to be pregnant again. I still am so emotional about it, even knowing I have 3 beautiful children. I want more though and sometimes I feel greedy for feeling that way but whenever I see a pregnant woman I get all teary eyed. They have something that I am no longer able to have. There is nothing more beautiful to me than a big round belly! :)
I am so grateful that our Savior knows each of us INDIVIDUALLY. He knows what we need and who he wants us to become.
I don't think anyone has the same timeline, in this life, as anyone else (in anything). But our Savior knows.
A few months ago I was reading in the back of a children's book about the author. It was a beautiful book that implied than the Author believed in life after death. Her words were poignant and I wish I had actually written them down, but her child had been dead many years at the time of the publishing of the book and she described the pain of that loss as everlasting.
I think people like to think of easy fixes for things like sickness and grief because it makes them feel protected.
I have been thinking about some of your previous blogs, and how on a family group record there would be four children listed neatly under yours and Spencer's names. And that is a sweet comfort. Yet, even knowing that, and seeing families a hundred years dead reunited, while doing family history when I see that a family lost a child young, my heart still aches for them and all the years they spent without that child here on earth.
Love is a many faceted thing. So is grief. It pops up at you in the least expected moments sometimes so mingled with love, or joy that you are utterly caught off guard. It is not a checklist kind of thing.
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