A Shadow

Today I'm feeling those sad feelings...the ones that act as a shadow and follow me around all day (and it's only 1:30 in the afternoon). It was there as I exercised. I sat there and listened to other women talk about their Christmas preparations. And it all seemed so trivial. I compared where I was right then (exercising) to where I was a year ago (round belly, happy to have a baby who was still alive, a little sad and unsure of what I knew was ahead of me). Upon listening to those ladies today I couldn't help but feel a sadness wash over me. Luckily for me the room was dark and I put my head down so no one would see a few tears squeeze out.

All those Christmas preparations seem so....

About two weeks before Connor was born we headed in to Temple Square with my siblings and their families to see the lights. My sister later made a comment to me about that night. She said something to the effect of..."It was so weird to see you walking around, carrying him when you knew he was going to die, and yet you were smiling and happy."

I guess I WAS happy...just happy that I could be his mom and that he was still alive!

In the past two weeks I have heard about three families who are expecting new babies. Two of them were very sensitive in the way they broke the news to me. They knew it would be hard...and they were right. But I want to thank K and T for being sensitive to our family by breaking the news gently. Your tenderness touches my heart.

I am sometimes jealous/envious of pregnant mothers...because I know that most of them will get to take their babies home with them. I actually got a tiny bit jealous of Octo-Mom...cause she got eight (but I don't envy her life one iota. I could not be a good mother to that many children).

But amist all my sadness I have to remind myself (AGAIN) that I have three living children! Duh!! Some of my friends lose their first child and have no child to come home to. No one to pull them out of their sadnesss.

I have Hayden's antics to keep up with. The latest...taping himself and his chair to the couch. Using a ball of string to wrap himself to the kitchen table. He climbed up and got my kitchen screwdriver off the fridge and took some screws out of a door hinge.

You ask where his mother was...I had turned my back for only a few minutes! Three different times.