Spencer and I checked our email first thing this morning - for updates on Little Miss L. We found out that she passed away early this morning.
I sat and stared at the email - a jumble of thoughts and emotions going through me all at once. Thrilled that she made it through the night and lived for sixteen hours, truely excited that her parents "got her" for so long, imagining their sadness that is just beginning and... jealous that I only got 90 mintues with my son.
I heard a noise next to me and looked to see Spencer with tears in his eyes. He was thrilled that they all had time together.
As we talked and I shared my feelings, he reminded me that I was looking at the glass "half-empty" rather than "half full."
It's hard not to at times. But he's right. We had prayed for time with our son and we got it. Lily's parents are probably feeling that sixteen hours wasn't nearly long enough. Some parents don't get any time and some struggle to have children.
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I have sensed that some are anxious for me to move on and finish mourning. It doesn't work that way. Connor's pregnancy, short life and death have been a defining moment in my life. I have a hole in my heart that won't be healed for a long time. It's a silent sorrow I will carry.
I read something this morning that I love. It's another mom's feelings after she lost her mother and her son:
...Instead I continued to go through the motions of my daily life and did such a good job of looking "together" that after both losses many people commented on how "healthy" I was and how well I seemed to be handling everything. I hated that I was not allowed the space to fall apart, that I was instead rewarded for pretending to not be as utterly destroyed as I was. - mama jen from "glow in the woods"
It's me again. No one has commented to me about how "healthy" I have been handling this, and that's okay. I don't want to pretend. I want to be real. So, I am handling this in the way that seems most "healthy" for me. I'm not rushing it, I am feelings all these feelings and I find myself slowly bouncing back. I'll never "bounce back" all the way, but I'm on my way.
Talking to Lily's parents before she was born was so good for us. I loved our time with them and noticed how much love they have for one another and for their little girl.
We're grateful to Him that allowed Lily to live for a sweet sixteen hours.
3 comments:
My husband and I pray every day that we will get time with our angel baby! I'm glad that He gave that gift to them.
How heartbreaking yet happy at the same time. So glad the parents were able to have those precious hours with their little girl, but so sad that the time was so short. Brings tears to my eyes ...
It's been a while since I visited your blog. I always appreciate your thoughts, even though I don't really know you...just that you're a friend of Julie's.
It's been nearly 4 years since our angel was born, and yet, each October I find myself weighed down with sadness as I remember that day in the ultrasound room that blew our world apart. I went to visit her grave today, and for the first time in quite a while, found myself crying and frantically digging all the little bits of grass out of the crevices. I wanted to be able to do so much more...but couldn't. Some day.
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