This afternoon I took some time to look at Connor's photos and to edit a few of my favorites. This one of him, snuggled in with his teddy bear, deserves a blog entry.
Spencer and I found this bear when we were at the hospital to have testing done to determine if Connor's problems were due to Trisomy 18. I had a few minutes to spare so I walked into the gift shop and headed for the wall of teddy bears. Anyone who really knows me knows I hate stuffed animals. My kids love them and I hate them, as they are messy and keep multiplying.
But for some reason I was drawn to that wall. I remember looking up and the first and only bear I remember seeing was this one. I immediately knew it was meant to be our little boy's bear.
I left and went to get Spencer to show him. Once he saw the bear he got tears in his eyes, started to cry and then left the gift shop, with me following him.
After we had finished the testing I returned, determined to buy "his bear" that day. To my horror I saw two ladies standing in front of "his bear," holding it and another pink bear. I remember thinking, "Oh, please don't take him. That's for my little boy." I even thought of going up and asking them to give him to me, but I controlled myself and didn't.
I was grateful to see them replace him on the shelf after a few minutes and I tried to casually walk over and pick him up.
This photo is one of my favorites of Connor and his blue teddy bear. This bear means a lot to me. It reminds me of the hospital when we first found out about his medical conidtion and the months of waiting for his arrival. It reminds me of when he was born and of Connor's body - just how tiny he was. I love to look at it now, sitting on the shelf in his room and imagine Connor's little body snuggled in its arms.
I'm grateful to have this little bear to remind me of tender experiences.
Many of you are wondering how we're doing. Spencer is holding down the fort while I feel like a wreck and am sad. It's hard to see life move on.
Exactly one week after Connor was born, I was standing in line at the pharmacy to fill a prescription for a child's ear infection. That was hard for me because one week earlier I had a special night. Now it was over, life was moving on and I didn't want it to.
I wished I could have stopped the clock the night Connor was born - only I know I never would have started it up again.
5 comments:
Oh, Jen, how my heart has felt for you and Spence these past few days. Thank you so much for all that you've been willing to share about your sweet, sweet Connor. Landon and I loved the video of his tender life. You are now and will continue to be in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers.
Jen, WHat a beautiful story about Connor's bear! The picture is just perfect. I am so sorry you have to struggle so much with his loss. I wish I could make time go faster for you! It seems to be the only thing that heals sometimes. WE're praying for you and will continue to.
May you be comforted in your belief that you will see and raise Conner soon. He is watching his liitle family from above and can't wait to be reunited. Enjoy making memories that you can share with him one day.
Jodi RN
Katie and I have been praying for you and your family. It was bitter sweet to know that Connor was born on our Eli's birthday. I appreciate the posted video. Connor was lucky to spend his entire life with those who love him. Not many of us can say that.
Oh Jen, what a touching post! I know there are no words that can take away your heart-ache and your sadness but we continue to pray for you always and hope that peace and comfort will soon come your way. Sending lots of love!
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