My Sad Place

Connor was born on the Monday before Christmas, so that entire week was a whirlwind with Christmas itself and all the funeral preparations. I had warned Spencer that I'm good at holding things together while the stress is on, but once it lets up, I allow myself to fall apart (he already knew that- I was just reminding him). And that's what I've done.

I really haven't fallen apart. Rather I've let myself crawl into "My Sad Place." I don't want to rush this part of my life nor do I want to elicit a state of depression. But I want to feel all these funky emotions and learn from them.

Someone kindly asked if I wanted to go to therapy and I gently pointed out that I had carried him for almost 10 months and that I wouldn't get over him in 2 weeks time.

I hope I never get "over him." I hope our family will learn to draw Connor into our lives, to remember him, to continue making sweet memories with him. One of these recent "spur of the moment" memories was to hold our Family Home Evening cuddled up together in his bedroom. It was neat! He's a part of our family and his life has changed both his mom and dad's hearts. We have had a sweet feeling in our home and we're trying to keep it and include him in our family.

Before Connor was born we had felt "carried" at times. Since then I have felt the burden a little more, but then again, because of your kindness, I feel carried again.

Last night that happened when two people showed up on our doorstep with perfect timing and were able to help us solve an unexpected problem. That was another "tender mercy" for me. Thank you for coming.

Friends have sent flowers, plants and compassionate notes of comfort and support- and they have made me cry. I cry with sadness that I don't have my little boy to hold and I cry with gratitude for sweet friends.

I just received such a note and bouquet of tulips from a friend from DC- and I share her note because it touched me (and of course it made me cry again):

"Jen, spring will come again."




I know she's right and soon I'll spend less and less time in "My Sad Place." But for now, it's my time and place to think, learn and be inspired.

Hopefully this little boy of ours will have touched our lives in such a way that we "Keep our feet going in the same direction" as his have.