What do you say...

Well, I haven't written anything for a week. I've kept my life busy with emptying out and organizing closets and other tasks we've been plugging away at (food storage). It's been a good week and I've had easier days. Until yesterday - when all the sadness hit with an intensity that I dread. Nothing and everything made me cry. Those aren't fun days to get through.

So, what do you do and what do you say to someone who is having a hard time?

I remember being in this situation years ago, while Spencer and I were in our undergraduate programs. A family had just lost their 24 week old twin boys. Oh, they were heartbroken and we were sad for them. About six weeks after their boys passed away I had the chance to talk with their mother and I was scared!!! I remember having a debate in my head whether I should say anything to her. I didn't want to make her cry, but I wanted to hear from her own mouth how she was doing (and not through the ripe grapevine that sometimes exist).

So I was brave and asked. And I'm so glad I did. She glowed as she spoke of her little ones, and she smiled and she cried. It was a very tender moment.

I am learning that I want to talk about Connor, but people are afraid to. There are many reasons why - some of which I'm probably not even aware of. I have sensed that people don't ever bring him up because they don't want to make me cry, or they are intimidated by me or are unsure of what to say.

I have found that it's healing to talk AND cry about him. It helps me sort through thoughts and feelings. It actually hurts me when people avoid talking of him - it makes me feel even more alone. There are some people and family members who have never spoken to me of him (before he was born or since) - never mentioned his name to my face or asked us how we are doing- rather they talk of other things. That is one of the deepest hurts I've ever experienced.

So if you remember anything from today - please know that avoidance brings pain. If you don't know what to say, powerful are the words "I don't understand, but I care."

I've also appreciated when people have asked "Jen, how are YOU doing?" It's deeper and full of sincerity - more than the generic "How ya doing" that we all throw out as we pass someone in the halls at church.

Here is something I wrote in my journal on Feb 17th:
Acknowledgement is very healing. Just hearing Connor's name mentioned brings a little leap of happiness to my heart. Someone remembers my little boy! I want him to be remembered and metioned.

I love this exerpt from another mother who too lost her son:
I wish people were not afraid to say his name. We love him. He doesn't make us sad. Not mentioning him won't make his absence any less obvious.

I have been surprised at how hard this last month has been for me. I guess you'd never understand unless you were given a taste. I have appreciated those sweet ladies who have recently come to my home and sat with my on the floor of our bare living room and have wept with me.

This is what I wrote one night in my journal:

X came over yesterday. How sweet it was to have her come and sit on our living room floor and talk about life. I want to be more like her when I grow up. I want to have the guts to invite myself over, just to see how someone is doing. Now I need to shut up and start being the type of woman I want to be.

Another friend brought fun magazines for me and pop for our children - and she just listened. I have found that those who have lost children, a spouse, or who have gone through difficult events are the most incredible listeners. They understand the healing power of being listened to - even if it doesn't make sense. They don't offer much advice or "gospel doctrine condolences." They just love,listen and weep with me.

And these new friends are just that, they are "new" to me. Before this, we may not have become really close friends. But they broke the barrier and came and stood on my door step, with compassionate hearts. That has been SO healing and appreciated.

So (and here I'm up on my soapbox)-- please don't avoid those who are mourning. There is power in the generic, yet sincere, "I don't understand but I care."

Please avoid "If there is anything I can do, call me." Rather initiate the call and say "What do you want done this week/today?"

PS- and if you ever see me lacking in this area, you have an invite to come over and kick me in my behind to remind me, cause I don't want to forget.