Last fall, after we told my sister Shelly that our little boy's body had some problems and he probably wouldn't live long, she told me she had a hike she wanted us to go on - to Jack's Mailbox. Yeah, right...I was almost 7 months pregnant. "You can do it," she said, but I never tried.
Last Saturday, for her birthday, we took all the kids and braved the hike.
Here's an exerpt from Saturday nights journal entry:
Today was one of the hardest days so far. I'm mad and sad and one cranky person in general. Went on a hike to "Jack's Mailbox", above 21st South in Salt Lake City.
Up, up, up we went; above the smog and kept hiking till we were level with the other mountains around us. A medical helicopter went flying by to Primary Children's Hospital and we were above it!! I couldn't help but wonder if there was a little baby inside that helicopter.
I just wanted to be alone and at home, hidden under the covers of my bed. Just wanted to cry and be mad and run away.
But for Shelly's birthday she wanted us to hike to Jack's Mailbox with her. And now I know why.
Jack was not quite two years old when he died from cancer. His parents love to hike and someone gave them the idea of making him a mailbox on one of their hikes. In these two mailboxes they have placed journals and pens for people to write in them. They've been up there for more than 12 years and some people just happen upon it and others make an annual trek. Some are usual entries and some entries are written with depth and intense emotion, filled with details of the hard things in their lives. Some are touching and some are just kids saying, "I made it up here!" - (and that deserves a reward in my book).
I love this - "We wish you well as you walk your flats and climb your mountains."
but anyways...
I was so angry I couldn't even write anything. I was too mad. I couldn't even get into the emotion of it and cry while I was up there. But I did while hiking down! I could see the hospital where Connor was born. And I kept looking at it. Tears started coming, and the wind blew my hair in my face and I stumbled in the snow and just about fell a few times because I couldn't even see.
I miss him. I wonder why it had to be MY little boy? I hurt.
Now I am trying to draw upon the power of "Remembering."
While serving as a missionary I came across a verse in the scriptures that contains the word "remember" seven times. I was struck by it then and at it's always remained with me.
Now I am trying to remember the sweet experiences that we had before Connor was born and at his service (and really that entire week),to help me remember to celebrate his life rather than marinate in his death.
4 comments:
Oh wow, what an amazing place to hike, it makes me want to make it there someday!
Jen, you really do write so well on paper and you are touching so many lives by sharing your experiences with us.
Wishing you a happy day!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. What a beautiful little boy. I am so glad you were able to spend a few hours with him. I am an angel mommy to in a way, I had my littl Harry at 21 weeks at the end of October. And unfortunately I was just thinking the same thing, why does it seem to be getting harder? I am sorry we had to meet under these circumstances, but I know you are helping so many people by writting your story. Thank you. Your in our prayers. April
What a neat place! And what a great idea from your sister.
I was thinking about you when I came across Elder Wirthlin's last talk.
Here's a snippet:
"The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
What an awesome tribute to Jack's life! I'd love to go up there - can you email me more specific directions? hvawdrey (at) gmail (dot) com
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