Connor's First Birthday...

I had been a little fearful of Connor's upcoming birthday. I was so afraid that I would be full of deep sadness...replaying in my mind where we had been exactly a year before. Maybe even wishing I could go back in time.

But it wasn't as bad as I had feared. It was still bittersweet...but more sweet than bitter. And our family owe many of you a sweet thank you for reaching out and remembering us and Connor on that special day.

It started out with the usual tradition of singing "Happy Birthday." We had splurged and purchased a Mrs. Backer's cake the day before. We brought it upstairs to Connor's room, lit one blue candle and proceeded to sing. I had been afraid that I would cry because he wasn't here, but gratefully, I did not have tears come to my eyes.



Towards the end of the song, I looked over at Hayden and saw that he was singing along, as best as a little three year old boy can, and the grin on his face was HUGE! He was so cute and so happy that it made us all smile as we sang. Suddenly, he popped out from behind the rocking chair and blew out the candle before we had finished singing. So we lit the candle again and before we could even back up, Hayden had blown the candle out again!



A new tradition was started on that morning. Once Elle and Sydney saw that Hayden got to blow out Connor's candle, they too wanted a turn. So, Spencer patiently lit the candle for each of them to have a few turns and I worked the camera as to capture this new tradition.



Then we all tromped downstairs to have cake for breakfast! UGH. Sugar rush...but hey, it's only once a year and you can't break tradition.

Spencer and I then ran away from everyone and everything for part of the day...and I'm glad we did.

Later we went to lunch at a place that has recently become special to us. Bambara's. They surprised us and went out of their way to make our lunch a memorable one. So, if you're wanting a romantic place to go...with delicious food...I would suggest it.

Thank you, Art.





We had decided beforehand that we wanted to get flowers on his birthday. From the same florist who had designed those beautiful arrangements the year before, so we went to pick them up at The English Garden.
It was surreal in a way to walk out the florist shop, holding a vase of beautiful white flowers, knowing where I had been a year before. Somehow, those flowers mean a lot to Spencer and I. I don't think we'll always splurge on flowers like we did this year, but we wanted to celebrate his birth in a special manner this time around.



On the slow drive home in the snow Spencer and I just talked. We've always loved spending time in the car together, just talking. And this day was no exception.

We arrived home to see a friend and neighbor shoveling our driveway of the snow which had accumulated. I was touched to see him there, as I had no idea he was even aware of what today meant to our family.

Spencer and I went into the house where a few family members had gathered to blow up balloons. By this time we were a little later than we had planned, but I wasn't about to rush this day, so I pushed all worries aside.

My sister Shelly had told me on the phone, "I have a friend I want you to meet." When we walked into the house she said the same thing and I wonder if I looked at her like she was crazy? I could not figure out what she was talking about. So she took my arm and led me up to Connor's room, where I saw a woman I had never seen standing in the middle of the room. She had a very hesitant look on her face, like she was afraid she shouldn't be there...and I just looked at her. I think I mumbled something...and knowing me it couldn't have been very graceful...but then she told me who she was...Abigail's mom.

Tears started coming. And hugs were shared. And information. One of the first questions out of my mouth was "How long did she live?" Shelly caught on that question and she talked to me later about it. "Most people compare what their kids are accomplishing, but you and Katy talked about how long your children lived."

Abigail lived a sweet 14 hours.

Katy, Shelly and I spent a little while in Connor's room talking. It touched me that a total stranger, who actually lives in Virginia, would come to our home on Connor's birthday to thank me for writing on my blog. Then she handed me a beautiful blue hydrangea plant...which I now adore. "I looked for blue," she said, with tears in her eyes.


Katy was so afraid that she shouldn't have come, but I believe and hope she now realizes that her coming was so touching to me. To know that I have helped her as she's struggling with her own pain and grief adds a silver lining to my experience.



Katy allowed us to talk her into coming to Connor's Spot to release his 86 balloons and away we went. Remember the man who was shoveling our driveway when we arrived home? Well, we called and invited their family to come (anyone who wanted to come was invited), but they said they had family business to attend to. So, away we went, with 80 blue, white and clear balloons. We also had 6 bright orange balloons...one for each member of our family.

Once we arrived at Connor's Spot, we knew we had to move quickly as it was getting dark. We started pulling the balloons out of the van...carefully we thought...until one balloon got away and started floating up above the van.

It was orange.

Of all colors! Spencer and I just stopped what we were doing and watched it float above the pine trees and then I snapped off some quick remark...something to the effect of..."Well, that's Connor's balloon. He went ahead of us anyways!"
I actually found it amusing then and I still do. The intent was to release the orange balloons together...a silly way to let us, him, and the world that he's a part of our family. But it didn't work out the way we had planned.

Just like his life...and ours for that matter.







I want to thank my sister Shelly for the balloons. She is the owner of a balloon business and went to a lot of work to get the balloons for both Connor's funeral and his 1st birthday.

Then we headed off to a birthday dinner with just our children. On a spur of the moment decision we headed home first (and I don't even remember why). As we pulled up to our home we saw our driveway and the sidewalk leading up to our front door was lined with luminaries. The flames all dancing and jumping and casting a beautiful view.



Someone (or many someone's) in our neighborhood had come and lit 86 luminaries to remember Connor. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I write this. Our entire family was stunned and touched. Spencer stopped the car in front of the house and we just stared. Instead of pulling into the driveway, he parked in front of the neighbors where we could have a better view. We all just looked at the beautiful sight. Then some of us got out to look.

The family who had been doing "family business" had worked quickly to have them all up before we arrived home from Connor's Spot. This same family had worked quickly the year before to have our luminaires up and lit before I arrived home on Christmas Eve...empty handed. I don't think they were the only family...I think many families tried to have the entire neighborhood lit up before I arrived home. I remember pulling in that day...it was beautiful.

Needless to say...luminaries mean more to me now than ever before.

After gawking at them for a little while, we headed off to a birthday dinner with our kids. We laughed, we talked, we ate delicious food and laughed at Hayden's antics. We had a beautiful window spot and watched the snow fall while we ate and we just enjoyed being as a family. Nothing serious (kids don't like too much of that), just fun conversation.

We came home tired, but happy. Grateful that we were blessed to have Connor. He truely was a gift. Meant to come, but not to stay.

When we arrived home, late at night, we took time to check emails and found there were oodles of birthday wishes and thoughtful emails. I haven't taken the time to reply to any of them, but please know that your kindness bouys me up.

There were gifts left on our front porch and in our home, which I now have placed in various parts of our home. The notes made me laugh and cry - and knowing that you remembered made Spencer and me feel loved.

I want to thank you.

So, that was Connor's first birthday. It was a sweet day. Christmas Eve Day was horribly difficult, but I'm grateful that his birthday could be a happy celebration of his existence.

Thank you to those who remembered that it was a special day for our family.