Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do...

I have wanted to write about forgiveness for well over a year, but it hasn't seemed to come together...yet it's come to my mind again and again. So we'll see if I end up posting this journal entry!

I'm glad I didn't write and share this publicly a year ago, because it would have been a journal entry that had a lot of hurt and anger in it...and it probably would have burned some bridges that I don't want to burn.

In the past year I have been taught a few things about forgiveness...but I'm by no means an expert. Quite the opposite in fact, I don't practice it very much, as it's one of the hardest aspects of His Gospel for me. But I desperately need to, as some of the relationships in my life are somewhat strained and very superficial because forgiveness has not taken place. And I HATE - DETEST - ABHOR the fake/superficial relationships!! I love to get beyond those and get to the "real" stuff...that's what I love and need in my life.

So, I need to learn how to forgive those who have said and done things that have hurt me. Deeply.

When this situation arose with our son Eli Connor, it never even crossed my mind that I would have to learn about forgiving. I have been very surprised (and disappointed and hurt) by a few things people have said (or not said) and done (or not done) in the months before and after his death. I didn't think I had too high of expectations, but guess I did expect things of people who are close to us, and when things were said (or not said) and done (or not done)...it hurt.

It hurt deeper somehow because it involved my little boy. If they would have insulted me personally, I can blow those off without too much of a problem. But because he was involved...it was different. Definitely a deeper pain.

So I've walked around for the past fifteen months, harboring mean feelings. I haven't wanted to forgive them until I had told them of my hurt...and until they had felt of my pain (which I realize they would never understand). Only then I would think about forgiving them.

But I have learned that that is not how Jesus Christ views it. He forgives people because they "Know not what they do." He forgives them because He sees the "big picture" and forgives them out of love and compassion because they don't have any idea that their words and actions hurt.

Do you see the difference? I want them to feel the hurt first, then I'll graciously consider forgiving them. While He forgives them because they don't know. He doesn't feel disgust or look down upon them for "not knowing," but he feels compassion for them because they don't have any idea of the pain they have caused.

I haven't progressed in my forgiving. But I need to. I'm at the point of praying for the desire to forgive. I have a teeny bit of desire, but it's not strong enough. I have learned that forgiving won't take place until I really want to let it go. At 3:00 this morning, during one of our middle of the night talks, it dawned on me that many times (not always though), Christ extends forgiveness to us without us having to feel of His pain. Hmm...so why am I so intent of wanting them to feel of my pain?

I've shared a conversation with two friends about forgiveness and one of them said something that has made me think...
"When do you say enough is enough" and talk with the person about what was said/done and when do you just forgive?

I'm realizing that for me it depends upon the situation and the people involved. If I say something, will it change anything?

As I face my own situatuions, I will be praying for help to know if I say something, or pray for help to just let it go.

If I would have said something to these people a year ago, it would have been filled with anger and deep hurt. The anger is passing now, but the hurt is still there. If I were to say anything now, I think my main motive would be to share with them how their actions have affected us...so they can know for future situations with families like ours...how to be more sensitive. It would be a teaching situation...not so full of anger (I hope).

What I remember most from my "Ah-ha" moment, was the overwhelming feeling of love and compassion that Jesus Christ has for us...those that "don't get it." He loves us even when we don't understand what our actions are doing.

It was amazing to me...and it still boggles my mind...that He "forgives us, because we know not what we do."





And the cherry on top? While He taught me that I need to forgive, He let me know that He knows of my hurt. He let me know my feelings are legitimate. He let me know that He understands and cares about my feelings. He loves me.

That knowledge is a very sweet self-esteem booster...directly from The Source.