On some days...

I wonder why I keep this blog. Like this morning, I wondered "should I stop blogging?" I am a private person by nature and here I am, spilling out all I feel for the blogging world to read.

But I know I'm doing it mainly for me. It's so good for me to get all these feelings out as I muddle my way through this time in my life. So, I'm keeping this blog for me and am going to print it out one of these days. I want to remember all these experiences and all these thoughts. And it's a way for me to remember. One thing I want to remember are the emails that I get from friends. They are supportive, touching and they help me keep my life in perspective.

For example, my friend Amanda wrote this morning about a young mother in her neighborhood who just passed away from cancer last week. Several times in the past few weeks Amanda saw her out walking each day, in the pouring rain sometimes, mere weeks before she passed away. Amanda made the comment that "she seems to be trying to soak it all in."

When I read this email it brought tears to my eyes (almost anything will do that lately). I wonder what was going through her mind as she walked? She probably was trying to soak in every last emotion and sensation. I know that's what I tried to do while I was pregnant with Connor and for the 90 minutes he was alive. I tried so hard not to complain about the discomforts of pregnancy or complain in any way because I wanted to savor every moment, whether sweet or sad.

Amanda went on to write:
I am overwhelmed with how many people in my life are experiencing grief or hardships of all kinds right now. I wonder, was it always this way, or was I just not paying attention?

...this reminds me of what my mother said...
She said when grieving there are a certain amount of tears in each person that need to come out. You can't control the amount, when they come or how long it takes. If you try to repress them, they can become toxic to you. Making you mad, bitter, frusterated, short tempered... Tears are healing, and cleansing. So my dear friend Jen, cry away. Don't wish them away or feel embarrased. They are part of the processes. And know that many others, including me, are crying for you and with you.

Another friend just called a few minutes ago (It seems to be Grand Central Station here this morning) and she asked "How will this Mother's Day be for you?"

I think it will be a good one. I have four beautiful children whose lives I get to celebrate, along with Hayden's birthday which falls on the same day this year.

Know who I will be thinking about? Those that want to be mothers and cannot. For those women who want to be married and aren't. For those couples who have tried for years to have children and haven't. For those who feel lonely at times and carry a deep sadness. And for those birth mothers who have made the incredible sacrifice of giving their children up for adoption.

I did not give up Connor willingly. I would have kept him for as long as I could. I don't understand what birth mothers go through, but I have an even greater respect for them now than I've ever had before. They give up their babies physically, but they mourn just like I mourn, but they do so in private. They don't get the empathy that I have been shown. They are true mothers in my book.

Happy Mother's Day to my three "Mom's" and to all my friends who have loved me, taught me, and mothered me as I make my way through life. I hope your day is a sweet one.