Sadness...

I never knew that sadness could be so deep. Before this experience, I didn't realize the depth of the human soul.

The past few days I have felt such a deep sadness. It's so deep and sad I just want it to go away, it's so hard.

I went to Costco yesterday and while shopping I saw a mom with an infant girl. Oh, I wanted so badly to ask her if I could hold her daughter. But I know if I did, I would just sit and cry and this poor mom would wonder "What in the heck is wrong with this weird lady?"

Seriously, I was tempted to ask. Several times.

I know it's hard for some of you to watch me go through this. You want to be able to do something to "make me happy."

I am where I am, and I am wading through all these funky emotions. And someday I'll pull out of this and I'll start to feel joy again, and feel it more often. And because I have felt such intense sadness I will only enjoy the feeling of joy all the more.

I don't think there is any way to explain what I feel. I just know that it is something that I must go through.

People have said to me "I wish there was something I could do to make it better/easier." But I told them there wasn't anything they could do. This is something I have to carry myself.

Since Connor died I have watched a dear sister start to go through a difficult time in her life. And now I understand how she felt - I have wanted to lift the pain she feels.

But I was taught something a few weeks ago. I was thinking about how, at times in our life, we feel very alone. People around us care and they do things that are so sweet and kind (and SO appreciated), but we still feel alone. I was taught that "the feeling of being alone is necessary, otherwise we would never turn to our Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ for help."

If my husband, my family and friends could take away my sadness, I would never turn to Christ.

I am sad today, but I am so grateful that I am Connor's mom. I love to look at his photos. He was and is beautiful to me.