Eli Connor's 4th birthday...

was nothing like we had originally planned.

Instead we spent the day at home, some of us in semi-unconcious phases due to being sick with strep or some other yucky flu (strep is so yucky that at times you actually want to be dead so you don't feel so miserable). At the time I felt so awful that I couldn't even feel guilty about us not doing something, but now I feel a little remorse that his #4 balloon hasn't even been delivered to his spot yet.

But we'll get it there.  And later this week we'll go out and celebrate the important life of our little son and brother.

This morning it dawned on me what some of the parents in Newtown, CT were going to experience in a few days.  They will try to carry on and make a fun Christmas for their living children while quietly grieving for their child who was just been killed. 

It's hard to try and make Christmas special when you heart feels so much pain. 

I remember coming home from the hospital on Christmas Eve (after Connor had died) to a beautifully decorated home.  Our older kids were dropped off a few hours later and at that point Spencer and I were expected to be "on" as parents.  Our children's thoughts were on presents and Christmas and all that excitement while our minds, thoughts and hearts were elsewhere. 

That was a tough night and next day for us.  We were so tired physically and emotionally that we didn't even cook a Christmas dinner for our kids (I don't think they noticed though).  It's such a blur that I don't even remember what anyone ate, or if we ate at all.

We tried to make it a happy and exciting morning for them, but so hard to fake it when your heart is still wanting to rewind to the events from a few days ago.

I feel for the parents, grandparents and friends in Newtown, PA....and for all those whose hearts hurt this Christmas, for whatever reason.

Tonight we went to listen to the Salt Lake Children's Choir sing.  Oh, one of my most favorite Christmas traditions ever!  The end is always my favorite, where the audience is invited to join in with the choir to sing four of the most famous Christmas carols.  When we sang the words, "let us adore Him," I had all these thoughts quickly go through my mind about whether I really adore Christ, and if I did, what would my life look like?

I realized that I don't adore Him enough.

But I sure want to.  Because I know He's real and that because of his love and his sacrifice, my little boy, along with all those children and adults who were killed in Newtown, and all those who have ever died, will someday live again.

I loved the reminder that I was giving tonight, to "Come let us adore Him."